March 31 - April 1

It begins when the Moon is at 15 degrees of Libra, Judgment. You
take a good hard look at yourself and judge yourself mercilessly; who
you are, what you are, and what you are doing, and you find yourself
wanting.  


 Four weeks ago, I had my last Tysabri treatment.  The treatment is an infusion every four weeks. Since then,  I have been meditating on Mary Magdalene, the labyrinth, the Spring Equinox, reading about Teresa of Avila and meditating on my own personal Journey.  During our Spring Equinox (at San Francisco's Grace Cathedral), a group of us walked the large indoor 11-circuit labyrinth.  There are very large stained glass windows flanking both sides of the church, and one of them had words on 'banners' within its design.  As I walked the 11 circuits, I found myself looking up at various times, and several times caught sight of a word on the window:  Freedom was the one that stood out.  They have a painting of Mary Magdalene there that I dearly love, and I spent some time in contemplation there. 

I spent a lot of time reflecting on that day while at 15 degrees Libra.  However, what I experienced was unexpected. The ideas and what I thought were focused thoughts and goals suddenly disseminated.  A good image of how it felt would be a draining sink.  Gone. 

Suddenly I started to feel as though I were scrambling for semblance of my focus, imagery and creative future plans.  Gone!!  It's been a long time since I've felt that lost and unsure of who and what I am.  I reasoned that it could be the idea that I'm no longer on any drugs for my Multiple Sclerosis, by CHOICE, and that I feel free but frightened (what have I done?) in the 'unknown'.  What next?  And to be deprived of the 'comfort' of delving into a story or working on a piece of art, etc.  I felt so inconspicuous, so pitiful.  Not a great place for a Leo.

When the Moon gets to 0 degrees of Scorpio, Death, you visualize your
death: that which led up to it, your deathbed, the pain and misery of
dying. You visualize your funeral and all the guests, how they speak
of you and how they feel about you. Then they are gone, it's over,
and your body undergoes its decomposition. Your grave, at first well
attended by your friends and relatives, now lies neglected, covered
with dead leaves, and forgotten.

Beginning late on the night of Thursday, April 1 I went into a deep depression.  Without provocation.  In fact, I had done as much as I could to enjoy the energetic creative frenzy that had been running rampant for the past few weeks. It was as though I did a free fall dive.  I plunged through:

self doubt (you haven't written any pages in a while, you've lost the momentum.  Why are you still copying those designs, don't you feel confident enough to continue with your own originals?)
self loathing (You created and accepted this.  Now you get to lie in the bed you made.)
resentment (I'm not blind, I see VERY well so there is no need for little lies and slight untruths)
anger at Boss (stop your passive aggressiveness!  It's ugly and SO not you)
self-pity (I really do NOT feel well, and if you really knew me you'd realize how hard it is for me to say that!!)
disgust (what the hell is wrong with me, and why can't I control it?!?)


I fell asleep with no real conciliatory feeling towards anything, which makes for a restless sleep.   The next day and on into Saturday morning I allowed the tears to come, the frustration to flow out where it would.  To have the mind die, to shut off, to close down and to not have a creative thought enter without extreme effort is death.  To just be is not good enough.  To keep going, to do, to open up to all I am, is all I've ever wanted.  But I am my own worst enemy.  I'll flog myself left right and center, and then wonder what happened.  I remember as a child when thinking (privately) what I might want to be 'when I grew up', I wanted to be the easiest thing possible, so that I would have lots of time to dream and create things (for some reason I couldn't imagine that I could ever make money doing what I loved.  Unfortunately, I still think that, deep inside, and it's eating away at me).   It wasn't that I wanted to be simple, it was that my head wouldn't ever shut up!  The best way to shush it was to dance, to draw, and to write.  To GET IT OUT.  I couldn't No wonder I can't sleep sometimes, or that I hum in my sleep.  I still want to get it all out, there is no time for sleep!  Why is it that I have a chronic, very low immunity dis-ease that can make me tired so much?   Is it my curse, that I've squandered my gifts?

Very very ugly and deadly.


When the Moon goes from 15 degrees to 16 degrees of Scorpio you watch
your mind. The Sagittarius phase is the mysterious three days on the
way to Moon in Capricorn: observe the changes that have occurred to
you and who you are.

Saturday afternoon was the arrival of many bee packages and the installation of four beehives, as well as a visit to Terpsichore Hive on our property.  Terpsichore is doing very well, dancing and singing.  That hive gives me strength when I don't even know to ask for help.  The power of those goddesses teach me lessons as strong as my grandmother's words and eyes.  I felt very young and small in the presence of Terpsichore, and without bowing my head, I shut up the inner voices and just listened.  

I have a deep love of color.  What I saw that afternoon, standing in a meadow with sunshine and hundreds of bees flying around me, was every shade of green and blue I could imagine.  I remembered the word 'FREEDOM' from the stained glass window at Grace.  I remembered my Mary Magdalene studies, the labyrinth writings, my deep love of life and the people and animals I love so deeply.  Legba.


The bees keep dancing.  The goddesses keep living and working as hard as they live.  Their honey is as diverse as the flowers they bless.  Their gifts bring me to tears.  It's time to finish that painting.  It needs the Bee Goddesses within it.