First day, going into 15 degrees Libra.  (14 degrees, 12:56 PM as I write this)

Spent a LOT of time meditating on duality, particularly the I AM (45) and I AM NOT (90).  The duality of this in itself opened my brain like a rose, as the numbers began to curl around my thoughts.  Interesting, that.  What I think and what I know are not often the same.  What I visually and verbally express are most often different.  I find myself wanting to write an essay on the waking and dream states, and begin to prepare notes on this.

I am fighting with my Self (if you're tired, go to sleep!,  Stop wondering what others will think about you!, Focus on what you think, and act on that!, etc.), and my head feels unusually noisy.  I am excited to know that next week it will be warm enough to begin swimming on an almost daily basis, and this wakes me out of my 'hibernative' stasis.  What is it that puts me there?  I will die if I continue going there!

Constant thoughts and efforts to 'maintain' the 'status quo', as though I cannot rise above the mundane to do anything else to further myself.  Yet, while saying this I realize how self-deprecating it is.  Even though I'm not making efforts in some areas, I'm making strides in others.  This week I have spent each working lunch hour working on an art project (jewelry this week), and then documenting it (photos).  This creates a sense of accomplishment, and of self-fulfillment during a working day when I would otherwise be running errands and then returning to finish a day in the office.  In this Mercury Retrograde, I am working on REclaiming time that has been socially stereotyped as mindless 'must-do' tasks and projects.  Fuck that, I take back my time and work for ME.  And while I recognize and am grateful for this job to pay the bills and mortgage, I also understand that I will perform better if I take care of myself as much as I take care of the people I work with.

I end Libra with a very strange dream:  A dark, wide tunnel stretches before me.  It is dank and earth smelling, almost reminding me of the Paris catacombs I used to explore.  but it's more than that - it is full of emotion.  It makes me remember my family, my love, my animals, my garden, my home.  (I am a Leo, but have many planets in Cancer)  I reach out to them, it almost feels like elastic ropes connecting to them, but they are not 'taut' - they are waving in the air around me.  I feel heartbroken!  The scene cuts a bit to me, still in the tunnel but being beckoned forward to where I hear a large crowd, as though I'm nearing an entrance.  Without words being expressed, I understand that I am about to win a major prize, and am beckoned to enter the 'room.'  I wake up.  I am left with a great sense of anticipation, but neither good nor bad.


When the Moon gets to 0 degrees of Scorpio, Death, you visualize your
death: that which led up to it, your deathbed, the pain and misery of
dying. You visualize your funeral and all the guests, how they speak
of you and how they feel about you. Then they are gone, it's over,
and your body undergoes its decomposition. Your grave, at first well
attended by your friends and relatives, now lies neglected, covered
with dead leaves, and forgotten.


The day of 0 degrees Scorpio:  HORRIBLE day at work.  Boss accuses me of not understanding something he asked me to do, when I have trained myself to write everything and anything down he says to me (this so that I do not misunderstand him).  I show him the paper I have written and he accuses me of slander, of telling him what HE has said, and that it is wrong.  I feel oppressed and that my job is over.  I feel dead.  It makes me feel like all of my efforts to stay focused, calm and centered as much as possibile have been thwarted and are invalid.  I let the feeling wash over me.  I let myself go into that feeling, no matter what comes.  At this point, I let myself disconnect from the 'must do' of daily life and sink.  I get home after just performing duties like a drone, and spend the evening watching episodes of the Sopranos, then go to bed (with the Sopranos still playing on the TV) and dream violent, bloody dreams (most likely brought on by the episodes).  It's oddly funny that the show bounces between extreme violence and psychotherapy.  The dream state and the waking state, the fog of extreme emotion and the fog of factual scientific analysis.  Both are fog, both are right and both are wrong.  I could write pages and pages on this.  Maybe I should.

The next day I have an all day appointment at Stanford University, taking (of all things to take during a 418) a Neuropsychological cognitive test.  The same day Scarlet becomes very ill with diverticulitis, something he almost died from 8 years ago almost to the day.  I mention this because it was so psychologically horrifying to me when it first happened and I 'thought' I had come to terms with that time.  Nothing prepared me for how it felt to see him so ill again.  Still I had to take this test and finish.  I finished it, rushed over to get him and drove him home.  He rested and I took him to the doctor the next day, who confirmed the diagnosis Scarlet had made.  Luckily he said something much earlier than he had last time, and so we think that he has caught it in time and will not have to go to hospital.  I spend the day with him, watching films and floating in that very 'out of place,' fantasy world of not being where I am supposed to be, and knowing I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be and need to be.  The juxtaposition of feeling so dead to my job and REliving a near death experience for Scarlet, it's feeling less and less like duality and more and more like 'everything is everything'.  That's oddly comforting to me.  The necessities of waking state are only prompted by hunger pangs, need to sleep, etc.  By me, Scarlet, the animals, the plants, the bees. 


When the Moon goes from 15 degrees to 16 degrees of Scorpio you watch
your mind. The Sagittarius phase is the mysterious three days on the
way to Moon in Capricorn: observe the changes that have occurred to
you and who you are.

I return to work the following day, and I find myself oddly full of energy.  Tasks are completed, conversations undertaken, life presents the routine it has for the past 6 years yet again and I take the reins, not wearily, but responsibly.  My energy in the world is needed, now it is important to accept that in myself.  The punishment I give myself over and over for not being complete in a thought, word or deed is merciless.  How can I see through that mess?  I  have been given a gift in that tangle of fear and doubt of the past few days, and it is up to me alone to remember that in all things. 

I was taught as a young child by my Parents (both Sun Venus children) to see the good in all people.  I have been told by a few that I do this to a fault, that sometimes I trust too much in the goodness I see in others.  That does not seem like a bad thing to me, but sometimes others make it a point to tell me that they feel it is or can be bad.  I need to work to understand other points of view.

Post Script:  As the Moon left Capricorn, I got the results of the cognitive test.  It showed that there have been significant changes in my cognitive skills.  I am learning NOT to look at MS as something outside of me, but part of me.  For months now I've been learning how to REtrain my thinking patterns, so as to function as well as I can in all that I do.  This test shows that there are some areas that need a lot more work, and I'm willing to take that on, but NOT for my job.   For me.  This change widens my heart, I can feel it swell as I smile and type these words. 

I love.



NOTES:
 It is not that emotions rule the mind, but rather that concrete fact often has no basis in the dream state.  When we dream,