Lunar 418 -

Libra - Had not been feeling well all weekend, and through into Monday developed ear and sinus infections, and Monday afternoon bronchitis developed.  Came home from work after just one hour, and stayed home until Friday, when I worked the day.  This gave me lots of time for reflection and silence, and not very much movement at all.  Reflected on situations in present life that are in transition, and what my role in that transition is.  The biggest one is the house, and trying to get a loan modification.  That is still in transition, but we keep our end of the bargain/offer current and constant.  The next biggest one (for me) is employment and my yearning to live life 'deeper'.  Midlife crisis at 43?  Perhaps.  But my Saturn and Uranus are dancing in my brain constantly.  I dream of working for myself, to find a constant that enables us to live sustainably with prosperity, wherever that may be.  Constant reflections on how I am opening myself up to opportunities without losing hold of what is necessary right now, working hard in a good job that brings in a steady income, no matter if it is small.  Rejoicing in the bees and their activity, and the business Greatly Honoured Brother Scarlet is forming along with the bees (for they are partners, after all). 

Scorpio - Fever rises, and cough gets worse.  I start to become frustrated with it, and depression seeps in.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to accomplish dreams I have.  There is a moment an hour after 0 degrees Scorpio where I have a particularly bad fit of coughing, which in turn raises the temperature, etc.  I start to cry out of frustration.  However, I know myself and when I get this frustrated over something I know it's not just the illness, and I'd better at least try to work it through.  I get up and walk about the house,  light some incense and take two duvets out and wrap myself in them.  Like a mummy, I lie on the couch and close my eyes.  I listen to my breathing and try to work through the anger and frustration with my own humanness (wheezing and suppression of coughs, fever, shivering, etc.).  Gradually my body relaxes and the breathing becomes more and more shallow, which in turn stops the wheezing.  I start to focus on my death and leaving this body.  this time is different, as I do not begin to think of anyone else, just myself and the body that feels separate from me.  I stop for a moment and think how I will always have a lot of work to do on duality and identification of the Self.  I start to feel a rocking sensation, as though I am in a boat (like a 'burial boat'?), or floating on the sea itself.  This in turn starts making me feel very small and vulnerable, and the grandeur which gave rise to such frustration subsides.  I feel childlike, and as I drift off to sleep-death, I say that I will remember the dreams of this teaching. 

I dream of brilliant gold.  Bright yellow gold, first just as a color but then as a bright field (wheat?), which then morphs into a big room and then corridors.  A 'minimization,' rather than opening up?  But the gold color does not diminish, as small as the space seems. 

I awake late the following morning, after 14 hours of sleep. 

Sagittarius - Illness starts to turn and I improve.  I get up and start to do small chores, cleaning up the house and airing it out, doing laundry, etc.  As I do this, I am acutely aware of my body and how it is feeling (very weak, not very strong at all).  I hear on the radio (we have no TV reception in the house, only radio and I try to refrain from listening to the news to the morning) that an actor has died, then the following hours another.  Then a famous artist. 

I remember an 'urban myth' about dying in threes, which in turn recalls a subtle thought I've really kept to myself until now - that those 'well known deaths' are media-reports heralds for the thousands (millions?) who have released their energies in this current wave.  I do not have 'accurate' descriptive words, only that the feeling seems to be this:  That there are waves of energy  that pulse to a 'crescendo' (in response to the stars, as above, so below) which enables or releases the energies of those who are weak and ready to pass on/die. 

I think about how much I will be a part of one of those waves one day, and am thankful it's not today.  My adventure into Capricorn follows on the tail end of this 'wave' meditation.


Capricorn:

I plan to return to work on Friday, which is good as it is the day before a three day weekend.  This gives me a day to review what I've missed, and to plan for the following week.  Thursday afternoon I drive into town to pick up a prescription, and the experience that follows is best expressed by a review I wrote for an online service:

For several months now, I've  not received the entire count of the pills I'm supposed to receive. However,  I bucked up my courage today and said I wanted to count the pills before buying them, and was provided a plastic dish to count them.  The sales clerk was very kind and helpful, but when the head pharmacist heard that I was counting pills, he asked me why.  When I told him that last time I had 12 pills missing, he said that the counting device they use is 99.9% accurate.  I counted the pills and there were only 56 out of 60.  He took them from me and recounted them and found the same thing.  He then said to me in front of everyone that he had counted my pills himself this morning, and that there were 60 when he counted them.  I asked what he meant, and he said 'I'm asking you what you mean.'  I said, I only want the 60 pills I pay for each month.  He replied, 'do you think you might have put 4 into your pocket?'  At that point, I became frustrated and began emptying my pockets in front of them.  He said, 'don't worry, I'll comp you four extra pills.'

I've never done something like this before, and I don't intend to go back.  I only hope that this is the only incident that has happened, and that this gentleman has not kept back pills of someone who desperately needed the entire amount they paid for. 

This experience resulted in my reporting him to the Pharmacy Board.  Apparently he phoned Friday morning to apologize, but I was at work and did not get the call (Greatly Honoured Brother Scarlet was there).

My commute was interesting Friday morning, as there seemed to be many people either late for work or frustrated at having to be driving so early in the morning.  The word of the emotion in the air did in fact seem to be 'frustration'.

The weekend was of Capricorn.  I cooked and cleaned, planted and tended the garden.  I felt strength returning, and when I felt less strong, I sat and worked on a new jewelry piece.  The focus, although not planned, tended to be water.  Listened to a podcasted interview with Mary Greer (cartomancer, Temple of Isis, author) on the Tarot suit of Cups, which in turn led to my focusing on the irrigation system I'm working on for our garden.  Being ill seemed to dehydrate me completely, and I haven't drunk this much water in ages!  Literally a gallon and a half one day, and close to it on others. 

Dreamt during the last bit of Capricorn of our house number, glowing and clear of blackberry branches (a huge patch of blackberry bushes grow wild at the bottom of our hill, and the sign post that shows our house number is almost buried beneath.  I found this dream to be rather symbolic of the transition we are experiencing).

Reflections on this bit of Capricorn as I finish my post makes me smile and think of a Crazy Quilt - those quilts that are vibrantly full of color yet without much order to their patterns.  A bit like life.

Sending love and respect to you all,
Astartae